I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
