I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
