dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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