never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
