just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
