either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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