i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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