I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
that may or may not have been my penis.
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