I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
