He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
