the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
And then he peed in my hair
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