if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
