Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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