Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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