I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
i think i just lost a toe
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
