I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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