So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
