Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
