I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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