if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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