she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
