I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
