So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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