some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I love how my cats smell like pot.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
