remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
