oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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