she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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