He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
