So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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