you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
