this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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