i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
