So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
