walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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