While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
this is an emotional support booty call
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
