He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
