Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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