I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
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