Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
only if we run a train.
done.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize