That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
