Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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