im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
