I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
