i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
