I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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