I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
