Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
