Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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