tell your sister to shave her snatch
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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