Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
