I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize