just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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