My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
