sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
