how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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