Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize