nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
