hell yes lets make some ravioli
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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