If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
