Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
