Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
