btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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