i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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