the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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